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Public Diary of an Aspirant

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  • I never give explanations when accused of something I didn't do. Often this makes other people feel the opposite: that I've committed the act, and for the very same reason I'm feeling too ashamed to answer.

    Some people who know me thoroughly, say that I've got too much attitude that way. That it's not a big deal to just open your mouth and say, "No, you're wrong. I didn't do it."

    But is this the real reason..??

    I once had two friends. A boy and a girl. In a relationship. They both were very close to my heart. Some misunderstanding happened and they were very close to breaking up. I got to know, and in the next few days everything was normal again.

    However, they heard from someone that I was the one who created this misunderstanding. The reason: I wanted them to break up so that I can eventually get the girl. I just returned from the table tennis court, and was looking forward to a great evening with friends. I got a call from my friend, and he told me it was a conference call, with his girlfriend on line too.

    He dropped the bomb. And asked me why did I do all this. I was dumbfounded. I couldn't speak. My ears refused to believe what I just heard.

    Then the girl said why did I broke their trust. It was shocking. It looked like a prank. But it wasn't. I knew at that very point that my friendship with both of them was over.

    I drank a little water, and told them in a firm voice that I'm not answerable to them. He cut the call. I knew this was the last time we talked as friends. I cancelled the evening, saying I'd like to watch a movie on my laptop alone. They bought it, or at least it appeared like that.

    I couldn't sleep that night. How can some rumours get the better of years of friendship..??

    Eventually they got to know the truth. I got a call again and they apologized. I simply said we're not friends anymore, and I've nothing against them. And if they haven't called for some work, I'm busy, and would like to call some other time. That was the last time I heard both of their voices.

    One girl, who knew all of us, once approached me saying she wanted to talk about something. We were in a cafe, and she brought that matter up. She asked me why didn't I explain I wasn't wrong when I was being accused. I replied I never explain things. Had they asked me, I'd have answered properly. But they chose to accuse me. And I never explain that way.

    She liked that. We started meeting more and you know what happens next. We were in a relationship.

    Some day I went out shopping with a girl friend, and her boyfriend called her to break up with her. She broke down and started crying. I hugged her and tried to make her feel better. I kissed her hair, and finally she was better. I dropped her home, and asked her to call me if she needed anything.

    Next day she invited me in a cafe to say thanks. We were talking, and I got a call from my girlfriend. She said she wanted to meet me ASAP. I gave her the address of the cafe, and she said she'll be there in 15 min. I was excited, as we three could pass some good time together.

    She arrived. Her eyes were moist. I knew something was wrong. She straightaway asked me for how long I had been cheating on her. I was surprised. She said she knew I was kissing some girl the previous day, and I should not try to defend myself even once. She said she's breaking up with me right there, and she never wants to see my face again.

    My friend tried to say something, but I motioned her not to. My then ex-girlfriend went away. She didn't turn back even once.

    10 minutes passed like anything. I told my friend I needed some time alone. She knew I was not going to contact anyone for next few days. That night I thought how easy it is to mustrust someone. And if it's really that easy, I never want anyone to trust me again. Holy shit! This thing is so bad. Her mistrust in me stings more than the breakup. And more than that what stings is that she was the one who knew perfectly that I didn't give explanations. Still she chose to accuse me instead of asking me. I deleted her number right there, knowing it was the end of the relationship.

    Do I really have an attitude problem..?? I don't know. What I know is, if I'm accused of something I didn't do, by someone who's close to me, I hit a certain low. I start grieving and mourning the trust that is dead now. My throat chokes, and words won't come out even if I try. And hitting the rock bottom means I'm not in my senses to even try speaking!

    Anyway. Sleep Well!
  • Sulabh shauchalay
  • I never give explanations when accused of something I didn't do. Often this makes other people feel the opposite: that I've committed the act, and for the very same reason I'm feeling too ashamed to answer.

    Some people who know me thoroughly, say that I've got too much attitude that way. That it's not a big deal to just open your mouth and say, "No, you're wrong. I didn't do it."

    But is this the real reason..??

    I once had two friends. A boy and a girl. In a relationship. They both were very close to my heart. Some misunderstanding happened and they were very close to breaking up. I got to know, and in the next few days everything was normal again.

    However, they heard from someone that I was the one who created this misunderstanding. The reason: I wanted them to break up so that I can eventually get the girl. I just returned from the table tennis court, and was looking forward to a great evening with friends. I got a call from my friend, and he told me it was a conference call, with his girlfriend on line too.

    He dropped the bomb. And asked me why did I do all this. I was dumbfounded. I couldn't speak. My ears refused to believe what I just heard.

    Then the girl said why did I broke their trust. It was shocking. It looked like a prank. But it wasn't. I knew at that very point that my friendship with both of them was over.

    I drank a little water, and told them in a firm voice that I'm not answerable to them. He cut the call. I knew this was the last time we talked as friends. I cancelled the evening, saying I'd like to watch a movie on my laptop alone. They bought it, or at least it appeared like that.

    I couldn't sleep that night. How can some rumours get the better of years of friendship..??

    Eventually they got to know the truth. I got a call again and they apologized. I simply said we're not friends anymore, and I've nothing against them. And if they haven't called for some work, I'm busy, and would like to call some other time. That was the last time I heard both of their voices.

    One girl, who knew all of us, once approached me saying she wanted to talk about something. We were in a cafe, and she brought that matter up. She asked me why didn't I explain I wasn't wrong when I was being accused. I replied I never explain things. Had they asked me, I'd have answered properly. But they chose to accuse me. And I never explain that way.

    She liked that. We started meeting more and you know what happens next. We were in a relationship.

    Some day I went out shopping with a girl friend, and her boyfriend called her to break up with her. She broke down and started crying. I hugged her and tried to make her feel better. I kissed her hair, and finally she was better. I dropped her home, and asked her to call me if she needed anything.

    Next day she invited me in a cafe to say thanks. We were talking, and I got a call from my girlfriend. She said she wanted to meet me ASAP. I gave her the address of the cafe, and she said she'll be there in 15 min. I was excited, as we three could pass some good time together.

    She arrived. Her eyes were moist. I knew something was wrong. She straightaway asked me for how long I had been cheating on her. I was surprised. She said she knew I was kissing some girl the previous day, and I should not try to defend myself even once. She said she's breaking up with me right there, and she never wants to see my face again.

    My friend tried to say something, but I motioned her not to. My then ex-girlfriend went away. She didn't turn back even once.

    10 minutes passed like anything. I told my friend I needed some time alone. She knew I was not going to contact anyone for next few days. That night I thought how easy it is to mustrust someone. And if it's really that easy, I never want anyone to trust me again. Holy shit! This thing is so bad. Her mistrust in me stings more than the breakup. And more than that what stings is that she was the one who knew perfectly that I didn't give explanations. Still she chose to accuse me instead of asking me. I deleted her number right there, knowing it was the end of the relationship.

    Do I really have an attitude problem..?? I don't know. What I know is, if I'm accused of something I didn't do, by someone who's close to me, I hit a certain low. I start grieving and mourning the trust that is dead now. My throat chokes, and words won't come out even if I try. And hitting the rock bottom means I'm not in my senses to even try speaking!

    Anyway. Sleep Well!
    Sorry but :D
  • Feminist: you go griirrrrrlllllllll !!!!!
    Girl: ButWhere?? :o ButWhy?? :/

    She, the fire of my loins...
  • But who ain't a slave, this way or that?
  • Thank god for women. Rest is rust and stardust.
  • Some give me so much power over them as though they become like stone. And however hard you hit the stone, you don't feel powerful. The dynamics of power enters only when there is resistance. Infact, at times, only through seeing resistance erupt can power be recognized in a system. There goes your Foucault.

    Now to the drops.
  • edited June 2018
    People must have a little bit of ego, atleast, in the sweet name of mandir wahi banayenge, to be able to stop short of pedastalizing a human being. More so considering most in our age have become more mean and selfish -- it's the current culture, stupid -- who are mostly not deserving of your reverence my dear. No stop doing that. It harms your persona. Believing in whatever they say even when they take you on a ride through shitsberg. Where is the fucking bolt? Jam that obsequiousness right away.
  • Ok bye. Enough.
  • The fallacy of the Human kind is that they would no care to waste even 1 moment checking their Bank Balances, given they know that its their last day/week on Earth
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