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I have started studying even though my score isnt such that I can be confident. I dont even have the cushion of another attempt (don't deny it ya'll; it does blunt the sharp fall a person takes failing at any stage). Yet I will study like crazy- give a good number of hours, study GS and my optional each day. I'll remember the passion I feel for the job I want which is nothing less than God's work in my eyes...
I cried a lot. I spoke to assholes of "friends" who told me to not hope at all and let it go. One said he'd change his name if the cut off went below 107. Cried more. Another said think of options. Howled.
Then after a while a lull took over. I was sad and heartbroken...Felt in my bones the words of my favourite poet Avtar Singh paash "Sabto khatarnaak hai sade supneya da mar jana" (Deadliest is the death of our dreams) probably with the same intensity he may have written them with. I'm a really optimistic and passionate person but this was a blow which knocked me to the ground, face down, from which I just couldn't pick myself up. 3 days passed-- people on forum made me cry so much more.
Finally, crying at 3 AM, all alone in the dark, words of another very loved poet (PS- I am very sensitive to the literary word and I truly believe poets are magicians and god's delegates here on earth) just came to me. Just like that. Got up and searched for the book which had the whole nazm. Read it. cried. re-read it and then alllll the strength and self-belief flooded my veins
Here it is for anyone who cares (annoyingly annotated with my interpretations etc; please ignore; sometimes I just can't help myself)..I pray it works as a soothing balm to you to and you feel as healed as I did and have since
Ham par tumhari chaah ka ilzam hi to hai (I am accused of desiring you IPS) Dushnam to nahi hai ye ikram hi to hai (Not an abuse but it is an honour to me)
Karte hai jis pe taan, koi jurm to nahin (Those who are taunting me, it is no crime) Shauq-e-fazul o ulfat-e-nakam hi to hai (No useless pursuit, it is only unrequited love ;( )
Dil muddayi ke harf-e-malamat se shaad hai (My heart's still happy by the words of humiliation that are thrown my way by accusers, accusing me of dreaming so and failing multiple times; calling me a loser) Ai jan-e-jan ye harf tera naam hi to hai (My beloved IPS these words are an association to you only; an association/accusation of dreaming and desiring the good work you would have empowered me to do..lives you would have empowered me to elevate)
DIL NA UMEED TO NAHIN..NAKAM HI TO HAI (The words that came to me at night..my heart is still not hopeless, even though I've seen multiple failures) LAMBI HAI GHAM KI SHAAM MAGAR SHAAM HI TO HAI (This evening of sorrow doesn't seem to end for me, but SO WHAT! I know it is only but an evening )
dast-e-falak mein gardish-e-taqdeer to nahi (The hand of sky or the creator hasnt written this to be destiny, for I believe I write my destiny) dast-e-falak mein gardish-e-ayyaam hi to hai (It is only the creator showing me a few bad days)
Akhir to ek roz karegi nazar vafaa (one day UPSC shall find me worthy of your honour, o' uniform) vo yaar-e-khush-khisal sar-e-bam hi to hai (My beloved with unparalleled qualities, you're only sitting at the top of the terrace; and all I need to do is elevate my being- intellectual, emotional and physical to reach you!)
Bhigi hai raat 'faiz' ghazal ibtida karo (The night is drenched with my tears and sweat, begin your ghazal Faiz) vaqt-e-sarod dard ka hangaam hi to hai (The music of the moment is the clamour of my searing pain afterall)
~~Magician Faiz Ahmed Faiz
I was reminded that I will always wear the pursuit of my passion to join the IPS, and do the amazing work I want to do, provide the dignity my fellow compatriots are denied like a badge of honour. Even in the face of my personal tragedy I will continue to believe I can and remain optimistic..Lambi hai gham ki shaam to kya?! SHAAM HI TO HAI!!
Jo hona hai woh hoke rahega , This is the time when focus on mains. Do ur work rest will follow later if not this time , It may be in next. But try to remain aloof from tension.
They said that it was just not possible to conquer tiger hill but he replied "Dil maange more".If they dint even care for their lives, why should we then for the results as afterall its just an exam.
Fortunately, this exam is of a sort that if you would clear it you can serve people better and if you won't you would be able to take care of yourself in a better manner as it prepares you well for various challenges in life. So just leave aside the results and fight like crazy.
Ultimately your goal would respect you thousand times more when you go and grab it with head held high and see it right in its eyes and not crawling and brooding over it (please God make me clear cutoff etc etc)
" A warrior never gives up what be loves, he finds the love in what he does "
When things go wrong, as they sometimes will, When the road you're trudging seems all uphill, When the funds are low but the debts are high, And you want to smile but you have to sigh, When care is pressing you down a bit... Rest if you must, but don't you quit!
Life is queer with its twists and turns, As every one of us sometimes learns, And many failures turn about When we might have won had we stuck it out. Don't give up though the pace seems slow... You may succeed with another blow.
Often the struggler has given up When he might have captured the victor’s cup; And he learned too late when the night came down, How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out... And you can never tell how close you are It may be near when it seems so far. So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.
I'll always prefer "If" to any other poem, though. It's my go-to poem whenever I'm feeling low.
"If" by Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you Are losing theirs and blaming it on you; If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you, But make allowance for their doubting too: If you can wait and not be tired by waiting, Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies, Or being hated don't give way to hating, And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master; If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim, If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster And treat those two impostors just the same:. If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools, Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken, And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss, And lose, and start again at your beginnings, And never breathe a word about your loss: If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew To serve your turn long after they are gone, And so hold on when there is nothing in you Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue, Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch, If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you, If all men count with you, but none too much: If you can fill the unforgiving minute With sixty seconds' worth of distance run, Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it, And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
RTV is legal As per Ravindran's CN .Its your constitutional right to be enrolled in Electoral poll but your Right to vote can be controlled through a statute.
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http://armycalling.com/inspiring-stories-of-indian-army-capt-vikram-batra-and-his-punch-line-yeh-dil-maange-more/
Fortunately, this exam is of a sort that if you would clear it you can serve people better and if you won't you would be able to take care of yourself in a better manner as it prepares you well for various challenges in life. So just leave aside the results and fight like crazy.
Ultimately your goal would respect you thousand times more when you go and grab it with head held high and see it right in its eyes and not crawling and brooding over it (please God make me clear cutoff etc etc)
" A warrior never gives up what be loves, he finds the love in what he does "
Cheers mates... Fight hard!!!!!
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low but the debts are high,
And you want to smile but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit...
Rest if you must, but don't you quit!
Life is queer with its twists and turns,
As every one of us sometimes learns,
And many failures turn about
When we might have won had we stuck it out.
Don't give up though the pace seems slow...
You may succeed with another blow.
Often the struggler has given up
When he might have captured the victor’s cup;
And he learned too late when the night came down,
How close he was to the golden crown.
Success is failure turned inside out...
And you can never tell how close you are
It may be near when it seems so far.
So stick to the fight when you’re hardest hit
It’s when things seem worst that you must not quit.
-- "Don't Quit" by Edgar A. Guest.
"If" by Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you;
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you,
But make allowance for their doubting too:
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or, being lied about, don't deal in lies,
Or being hated don't give way to hating,
And yet don't look too good, nor talk too wise;
If you can dream - and not make dreams your master;
If you can think - and not make thoughts your aim,
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two impostors just the same:.
If you can bear to hear the truth you've spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build'em up with worn-out tools;
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings,
And never breathe a word about your loss:
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: "Hold on!"
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings - nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much:
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds' worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Man, my son!
by William Ernest Henley
Out of the night that covers me,
Black as the Pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.
In the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody, but unbowed.
Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.
It matters not how strait the gate,
How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.
P.S.: Invictus means "unconquerable" in Latin.