Public Diary Of An IAS Aspirant....

StringTheory

I hate many of my relatives.

If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us.
- Hermann Hesse

This quote is fine.
But, what do u do..when..
what you wear, what you eat, what u study, where u study, what should be your career, whether your academic achievement is worst or good etc. ..is heavily influenced by some fucking relative (father's sister's husband)... who mentally fucks your father daily .and then in turn your father always drag you down moral, intellectually, financially etc. It has been happening since 10th class..still continuing.

its not limited to that..many horrible things are there that i can't share.
even during preparation ..sometimes I am forced to hit my head against the wall...only a hate can cure me.

Cuauhtemoc

If God comes and asks me for one wish-i will ask him to destroy the world. If he refuses,i will destroy the world to show him i mean business , not words .

psychopath

If God comes and asks me for one wish-i will ask him to destroy the world. If he refuses,i will destroy the world to show him i mean business , not words .

best joke ever cracked

psychopath

I hate many of my relatives.

If you hate a person, you hate something in him that is part of yourself. What isn't part of ourselves doesn't disturb us.
- Hermann Hesse

This quote is fine.
But, what do u do..when..
what you wear, what you eat, what u study, where u study, what should be your career, whether your academic achievement is worst or good etc. ..is heavily influenced by some fucking relative (father's sister's husband)... who mentally fucks your father daily .and then in turn your father always drag you down moral, intellectually, financially etc. It has been happening since 10th class..still continuing.

Cuauhtemoc

If God comes and asks me for one wish-i will ask him to destroy the world. If he refuses,i will destroy the world to show him i mean business , not words .

best joke ever cracked

thanks,but i was serious

dragonborn

If God comes and asks me for one wish-i will ask him to destroy the world. If he refuses,i will destroy the world to show him i mean business , not words .

best joke ever cracked

thanks,but i was serious

railroadrao

Actually, it's difficult for me to live without goals in life.Once i am goaless in life, i find myself in hell.without confidence and insecure. My mind is rarely in my control. I see myself as a dry fallen leaf which is on the mercy of wind of thoughts. It is goal which enable me to develop some control in me. I don't like company of people and i often feel urge to run away from parties.I like helping people. My heart cry when I see people suffering. But i observe people who are not sensitive enough and don't care about others are more happy.I don't like people in general.I like goals.My worst fear is state of goallessness after UPSC exams over.what can be my next goal.Serving as IAS officer (if i become) can be a goal in itself.Will it be enough to keep my soul and mind at a place.?
I want to be a novelist because of this fear.Goal to complete a novel which may become bestseller might be as powerful as clearing civil services.I feel like a dead person without goal.No confidence,no security.But once i have goal and obsession to achieve it i get back to life like a virus after entering a body.

This feeling is very true. Once we loose an objective in life we tend to feel lost or directionless.
I dont know how true is this but - life should be like a Vector and not scaler. Vector life will have magnitude as well as direction where as a scalar life will be just living without direction.

Without direction there will not be any sense of achievement which may result in feeling lost.

I know becoming IAS is what we dream, but there are few who left IAS bcoz they felt bringing cchange in society outside Govt is easier or possible.

I read in a blog of a topper, during Bharat Darshan a group went to Rajasthan, they stayed at some small town and got to know about a local NGO there, surprisingly that NGO was run by an ex IAS officer who left the service bcoz he/she could do better job of serving the people/society through NGO. As per this IAS- IAS is jack of all and ace of non, as per the blog- this Ex IAS do not like IAS officer due to same reason.

So, If our only goal is to serve the society, even if we never make it to IAS life doesn't stop there, there are many more things at ground level which can be done to make life easier for deserving people or society. If becoming IAS was for a better career than we have to work hard, harder than competition. If all attempts are finished then PCS is second options.

Desperate times requires desperate measures. I think realising our true self is the toughest thing, introspection requires uncorroupt mind and guts to find out all of our mistakes, its really hard.
But if true self is realised - life becomes easier.

Cuauhtemoc

If God comes and asks me for one wish-i will ask him to destroy the world. If he refuses,i will destroy the world to show him i mean business , not words .

best joke ever cracked

thanks,but i was serious

not my kinds,my zoner is -

Cuauhtemoc

Actually, it's difficult for me to live without goals in life.Once i am goaless in life, i find myself in hell.without confidence and insecure. My mind is rarely in my control. I see myself as a dry fallen leaf which is on the mercy of wind of thoughts. It is goal which enable me to develop some control in me. I don't like company of people and i often feel urge to run away from parties.I like helping people. My heart cry when I see people suffering. But i observe people who are not sensitive enough and don't care about others are more happy.I don't like people in general.I like goals.My worst fear is state of goallessness after UPSC exams over.what can be my next goal.Serving as IAS officer (if i become) can be a goal in itself.Will it be enough to keep my soul and mind at a place.?
I want to be a novelist because of this fear.Goal to complete a novel which may become bestseller might be as powerful as clearing civil services.I feel like a dead person without goal.No confidence,no security.But once i have goal and obsession to achieve it i get back to life like a virus after entering a body.

This feeling is very true. Once we loose an objective in life we tend to feel lost or directionless.
I dont know how true is this but - life should be like a Vector and not scaler. Vector life will have magnitude as well as direction where as a scalar life will be just living without direction.

Without direction there will not be any sense of achievement which may result in feeling lost.

I know becoming IAS is what we dream, but there are few who left IAS bcoz they felt bringing cchange in society outside Govt is easier or possible.

I read in a blog of a topper, during Bharat Darshan a group went to Rajasthan, they stayed at some small town and got to know about a local NGO there, surprisingly that NGO was run by an ex IAS officer who left the service bcoz he/she could do better job of serving the people/society through NGO. As per this IAS- IAS is jack of all and ace of non, as per the blog- this Ex IAS do not like IAS officer due to same reason.

So, If our only goal is to serve the society, even if we never make it to IAS life doesn't stop there, there are many more things at ground level which can be done to make life easier for deserving people or society. If becoming IAS was for a better career than we have to work hard, harder than competition. If all attempts are finished then PCS is second options.

Desperate times requires desperate measures. I think realising our true self is the toughest thing, introspection requires uncorroupt mind and guts to find out all of our mistakes, its really hard.
But if true self is realised - life becomes easier.

i can relate it to myslf right now.so true are the lines in bold .

railroadrao

A very close relative of mine was worried at neither getting the revised pension nor the arrears as per the changes announced by the govt. She came to me with this pension problem around the middle of March, this year. It was the time when I was investing part of my free hours into my optional coverage. Deep inside, I also knew that the pension amount was the source of her bread and butter and that, she had plans with the arrears due to her.


Few weeks later, I approached her bank, only to find that the manager manning the govt section was out of the town. I went to the regional office of the bank - reached by 9.30, office opens by 10. The concerned person came by 12.30, all drunk. I tried to extract some information from him but failed.

Went to the same place after 2 days. That person was all sobre that day. I placed my problems and sought for redressal. He listened and advised me to go to the Treasury Office, after delivering few worthless lectures. Now this treasury office was located in a different town. As such, I was compelled to let him know that being an ex-banker, I had a fair idea about the system and that, the responsibility of Treasury Office (Audits/Accounts) vis-a-vis new pensioner is over once the pensioner starts getting pension via the bank.The problem I had could be sorted if only he, being an authority, forwarded my application to the regional CPPC (Central Pension Processing Centre).

He was adamant. I was forced to visit the Treasury Office, and as expected, from Treasury Office, I was again directed to visit the head Account and Audit Office.

The prelims was near. I gave up the chase but the worried face of my relative was unsettling. I visited her bank again, and luckily, the manager manning the govt section was present that day. After all those queries like submission of life certificates etc, he asked me to come with my application by next month (July).

I had had enough and finally decided to visit the regional CPPC, located in a different state. There I found a very affable senior lady manager. I was sceptical initially because institutions work through proper channels, which I had jumped and reached her directly, ofcourse after all those rigmaroles. She was all ears to every word I uttered. There, I was made aware that pensioners with basic < 3500 rupees had to be updated manually with the revised scheme because the bank software could handle only basics of 3500 and above. I felt my job was done there.

Today, my relative's account got credited with the revised pension. She got her arrears few days back. Thank you to that lady manager. :-)

Only if that regional office drunk manager had forwarded my letter to the CPPC, I would not have wasted days on travelling, visiting offices etc. My only wish now is to punch that drunk man hard on his nose, pin him down and pump bullets into his head. And when he takes his last breath, I'd smile and spit on his corpse.

You did great bro.