Public Diary Of An IAS Aspirant....

railroadrao

My father a very hard working guy was not from a very well off background . His elder brother was not passionate, enthusiastic , zealous and fighter enough to turn his miserable life into a life with better standard of living but my father was he fought with his fate and won against all odds . A regular village guy where all was illiterate no one ever passed the fifth standard , no was there to guide him but he studied hard and got himself a decent govt job at that time .

He moved to the city with his lovely wife ( my mother ) with big dreams in his eyes to give his sons and daughter best education . We got admission in the 2nd best convent school of the city .

From that day on he never looked back with best of his efforts he provided us with best of the education he can .

A man who sacrificed his own comforts for us . A brilliant man dedicated to family , passionate , full of energy .

Though he used to scold me a lot for my own mistakes never pampered me in teenage .

Few months back we visited the mall as my sis who is working took my father to ray-ban store and bought shades for him .

After coming out of the store i said to my father that i will take to u the POLICE store and a grin was there on his face and patted my back .

But this UPSC is a trap 3 years into this journey one mains no interviews .

I m stuck in this wanna do something in return for my father and wanna lift some burden of his shoulders .

I m waiting for the when i will say him just sit back and relax i will sail the boat u enjoy my old man .

I always think of the platform where after my little success in life i can mention about my father his sacrifices, struggles for me .

He wanna see me in uniform as an IPS or DSP whatever ..

Hope i can do justice with dreams in his eyes

This one line explains it all.

Jaime_Lannister

I love the first two lines...

Consistency

I hate waking up at 6ish and not being able to spend entire day playing hide and seek with my dog..

Consistency

I also dont like it when library folk are all too interested in your result suddenly I have a second set of relatives when the first are horrible enough
i never ask people about results.i am happy staring and judging peoples clothes/accent/trying to find a date in the library attitude etc when m bored.

vadacurry

I also dont like it when library folk are all too interested in your result suddenly I have a second set of relatives when the first are horrible enough
i never ask people about results.i am happy staring and judging peoples clothes/accent/trying to find a date in the library attitude etc when m bored.

Tell them u didn't give this year

theanimalia

The feeling of powerlessness is the most amazing/amusing thing.it has ability to either make or break.when Gandhiji was throwm out off train,inspite having every personality traits to suit British ambience.It was this feeling that ignited his soul.

in my personal example,one of my engineer cousin was ruthlessly demeaned by ol his relatives(except me n my family ).For he did btech from Pvt college with less cgpa inspite of being from economically not so well off family.

But all those demeaning was not enough to arouse his soul.

Once his MBA n working sister was rejected by a polytechnic n PSU employed engineer in lieu of dowry.I saw grief n flame in his eyes.his growth is miraculous n inspirational. .

Burger

The feeling of powerlessness is the most amazing/amusing thing.it has ability to either make or break.when Gandhiji was throwm out off train,inspite having every personality traits to suit British ambience.It was this feeling that ignited his soul.

in my personal example,one of my engineer cousin was ruthlessly demeaned by ol his relatives(except me n my family ).For he did btech from Pvt college with less cgpa inspite of being from economically not so well off family.

But all those demeaning was not enough to arouse his soul.

Once his MBA n working sister was rejected by a polytechnic n PSU employed engineer in lieu of dowry.I saw grief n flame in his eyes.his growth is miraculous n inspirational. .

Lol I want to share too something as you have raised relatives issue. My relatives are also like that but my one neighbor is an extra mile ahead. There is an aunt in my neighborhood, her son is also giving this exam but couldnt qualify even prelims once. Last year he rumored that he sat in mains but when people asked about marks, he and his family told marks that were 100+ above actual cutoff and as per them he failed to cross cutoff by margin of 2 marks as id people are fools . Every member of family was telling different marks above actual mains cutoff and were saying he missed interview by 1 or 2 marks. His mother is one of the most idiot woman one will ever find. She has driven many innocent school students to depression, one even tried cutting her nerves in class 10 when she secured less percentage(lol they were 82) in boards and this woman spread hypothetical fake news that she had multiple affairs and couldn't study and her son secured good percentage and what she would do in life. She even spread fake news about every small student or aspirants living in neighborhood and try to project her son as greatest mind after Einstein. I am also her fav target as her son was my classmate. Once a school guy got o much frustrated when she was ridiculing him for his less marks in class 8 that he brought knife and gave to her to cut his neck. If there is a girl she brings rishte for her so that she dont get any oppurtunity to pursue her career. If some other person secure job, she spread news that they have paid a bribe ... Idk if anyone of you have experience with such neighbor but its too much fun to see her doing that now and everyone hates her.

Relatives and neighbors are biggest drag that one should overcome everytime. Weird people.

Richard_Parker

I love the first two lines...

once I had a heartbreak, and I stopped listening to romantic songs. Since the time I have been failing in career, I find it harder each passing day to listen to thoughtful songs - the ones that make u feel these are your own thoughts, and somewhere make u think about your deep intellect. Living in denial, I have found, makes things easier. No pain of not getting the value of your smartness and intelligence, as similar to no reciprocation of the immense love filled in a considerate heart, when you deny that you are even capable of aprreciating someone. I think Anwar has got it very right. The movie Anwar has a thought at the center of it's story. A thought of frustation at knowing that your heart is full of love, but there is no one whom you can shower with that love. Though very underrated, It's one of the best movies dealing with the subject of love. To deny that you have loved, and to deny that you can think and appreciate deep thoughts, and matters of soul, compassion, struggles, to be able to appreciate what others don't even notice - to deny all you have and to weave thoughtfully a wordly fabric that someone will probably use somewhere someday to fulfill a simple need. Just a simple life, and a simple death.

TheGirlWhoLives

@halamadrid I can feel you bro.

My father was the youngest of 11 children. He was a brilliant man from childhood.he topped his 10th and 12th. In 2 years of grad he topped university (that time medals were issued for every year rather than entire course) but dropped his final year due to poverty. He worked in hotel to finance his education till then. His brothers were least supportive to him. They were least interested in his well being With his talent he could have achieved many things but no, as he dropped from grad he worked in small wholesale shop. He was looking after his family giving entire salary to his brothers.
He married his sister's daughter and his family which said nothing till wedding started a fight on the same day of his wedding.such jealous people they were.

Then when my dad built this home he had nothing. Everything wason loan with support and guarantee from his employer. He got no support as we are from so called high caste . Each and everything we have now is of his hardwork.

I was born within 1year of his marriage. (He was already 35 when he married) I was a girl and imagine the kind of opposition they faced when joining me to an English medium convent school. They had no finance, and coupled with it was taunt from his brothers family "she is a girl.are you fool to admit her to an English medium school?" and "We have already so much wealth.we don't want to admit our sons to English mediun because we don't want any education.our wealth is enough for us.
But still he went forward. My brother was born 7 years from when I was born.
My parents did the best they can do to finance our education. With zero money they came a long way with their efforts. They sacrificed their little wishes for us.

I didn't study in school,college or grad. (I had 'Best student' in my grad because of my extra curricular) I had distinction in all exams that I had in my life.
My bro is very talented. But he simply doesn't study. I mean he isn't intrested one bit in Marksor academics. But we beieve he does very big in future. Because he is in 10th but has lots of knowledge in variety of stuffs. He watches mechanical videos like how to repair and has repaired many small stuffs all by himself. But my parents hope is on me. They want me to do something in life. They believe so much in my potential. I have scored in 80s in my academics just studying day before exam and believe if I give my everything to This exam I can mAke it. It is my dream. My parents dream. Their efforts.

This year I turned 21. Igave prelims. It was a disaster. I regret wasting 1 year (I graduated last year in july) as I lost focus somewhere in between.

I am from rural India, India village where no one knows about upsc. Studying here is so much a mess and there isn't any library here. I want to join insights in bangalore and my parents have agreed to send me there. They will finance entire thing.

But looking at them makes me guity. My dad is turning58 and mom 46. I want to take the responsibility. I want to look after them. I want them to live a luxurious life from now on.This makes me uncomfortable and guity. Though they don't say anything I know even they want me to get a job soon. Years of workand difficulties had made my parents have BP, diabetics . They are the ones who looked after both their parents (both dads and moms) even if dad was youngest of them (my dad's parents were pushed out by dad's brothers) . My parents looked after them very well like none couldimagine.
I can't see such good souls working day and night for this family. I am 21 and want to take entire responsibility. I want to focus and work hard towards my goal.

I can't say more.

And yes, thanks for creating this thread. I feel light already.

theanimalia

The feeling of powerlessness is the most amazing/amusing thing.it has ability to either make or break.when Gandhiji was throwm out off train,inspite having every personality traits to suit British ambience.It was this feeling that ignited his soul.

in my personal example,one of my engineer cousin was ruthlessly demeaned by ol his relatives(except me n my family ).For he did btech from Pvt college with less cgpa inspite of being from economically not so well off family.

But all those demeaning was not enough to arouse his soul.

Once his MBA n working sister was rejected by a polytechnic n PSU employed engineer in lieu of dowry.I saw grief n flame in his eyes.his growth is miraculous n inspirational. .

Lol I want to share too something as you have raised relatives issue. My relatives are also like that but my one neighbor is an extra mile ahead. There is an aunt in my neighborhood, her son is also giving this exam but couldnt qualify even prelims once. Last year he rumored that he sat in mains but when people asked about marks, he and his family told marks that were 100+ above actual cutoff and as per them he failed to cross cutoff by margin of 2 marks as id people are fools . Every member of family was telling different marks above actual mains cutoff and were saying he missed interview by 1 or 2 marks. His mother is one of the most idiot woman one will ever find. She has driven many innocent school students to depression, one even tried cutting her nerves in class 10 when she secured less percentage(lol they were 82) in boards and this woman spread hypothetical fake news that she had multiple affairs and couldn't study and her son secured good percentage and what she would do in life. She even spread fake news about every small student or aspirants living in neighborhood and try to project her son as greatest mind after Einstein. I am also her fav target as her son was my classmate. Once a school guy got o much frustrated when she was ridiculing him for his less marks in class 8 that he brought knife and gave to her to cut his neck. If there is a girl she brings rishte for her so that she dont get any oppurtunity to pursue her career. If some other person secure job, she spread news that they have paid a bribe ... Idk if anyone of you have experience with such neighbor but its too much fun to see her doing that now and everyone hates her.

Relatives and neighbors are biggest drag that one should overcome everytime. Weird people.

I beg to differ.in my example remove the relative,n my cousin is bunch of muscles n bones lying on bed , enjoying his smart phone.
A level of ego-hurting is of utmost importance for growth.relatives n neighbours r becoming biggest reason for triumph of indian middle class youth. the most successful entrepreneur or any ol India competition qualifier is basically a frustrated soul annoyed by success stories of sharmag ka beta .particularly because family is getting smaller n parents are becoming over-protectionist,over-sympathetic to their child providing ol desirable facilities. "mera naam karega Roshan" type.