15 july marked an event in many's lives- for some bright and for some dark.
congrats to those who would be appearing in mains
Its going to be long. So let me begin...
A boy from a city, engineering from humble and non-premier college.
Started my UPSC journey at the age of 23 soon after graduation after moving to Delhi. Failed 1st pre didnt feel much as i was young and attempt was 1st. BTW was in a relationship since 3 years prior to coming to delhi so yes was entering a long distance serious relationship.
2nd attempt 2017 prelims- cleared- appeared for mains- flunked. Again i didnt feel bad as i had climbed another step towards my goal and learned a lot in it.
Post mains focused completely on improving areas of mains- essay, daily writing practice, optional, notes and whatnot. Prepared sincerely for prelims 18- flunked prelims 2018
(long pause)
I was all prepared to write mains and try my best at exiting upsc chakravyuh. But destiny had other plans.
Current scenario-
1. age 26, will be attempting next one when m 27 (2019)
2. Girlfriend is all supportive but she had already kept her dad on hold for bringing marriage proposals
3. Humble family background with father almost retired and no else earning.
4. Myself- didnt clear any other exam+ no experience anywhere+3 years gap post grad
Constantly feeling guilty since results about keeping my girlfriend on fence, wasting parents' money, not socializing with friends and relatives since past 3 years(contrast to what i was before),
Not that my story is extraordinary or the types where neha kakkar would break down if this would have been indian idol. But after checking result i am numb,i am blank.
Epiphany- about age, relationship, career and supporting my family financially.
Bright side- attempts left, a very strong support system consisting of my parents and my girlfriend.
None of them have ever complained about my shitty performance or asked me stop and look for something else, instead have been arguing with me when i talk about moving to a place cheaper than Delhi like Pune.
I said this is going to be lengthy.
I am in such a state that i dont want to complain about things happening around to my family and friends or ask for advice or tell them i am sad. I want to but i wont be talking about it to them.
Feeling like a ship lost in high seas.
Once again, not posting to make anyone feel depressed or negative. I am myself a very bindas, jolly and stressfree guy or rather was like this before 15th of july.
I know i will bounce back, i know i will make it.
Just taking some load off my heart. Thank you for being a listener.
Comments
At 24 lost my father
At 25 left job and started preparing for upsc
2015 prelim fail
2016 prelim fail
2017 prelim fail (a relationship of 10 yrs broken)
2018 prelim pass
Maybe dreams are meant to be broken so thst they are rebuilt again. Dont worry all is well.
and i already sai, mine is not extraordinary story, its just another story.
10 Years !!! No baby in 10 years?
Just my 2 bits. Nevertheless, best of luck for future attempts.