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@Neyawn Please review my essay, give me feedback and award marks. [ sorry for the not so good quality of images ]
I will go through it as soon as I have some time, but can you answer a basic question first:-
Your topic is:-
India's foreign relations and its effect on her peace and security.
What is the structure that you have followed? What questions or dimensions have you tried to address?
Like give me the breakup like:-
-Introduction -Brief History or evolution of foreign relations - Defining peace and security - Internal & External security - Immediate neighbors relations - Relations with developed nations - Regional associations and peace and security - Challenges - Addressing concerns - ways and means - Way ahead/ conclusion
( The above is a bit random , just give me a wireframe of your essay and we can begin @master4341 )
my basic structure is: 1. Visionary Introduction 2. Evolution in India's foreign relations in Ancient, Medieval , Modern, Post Independence and Post Cold War era. 3. Major focus is of Current context in later half part of essay. 4. Covered neighbors and well as nations far apart. 5. Challenges and tackling measures are also dealt but not in detail manners - time constraint - wrote this essay in total of 1 hours. 6. Ending essay with R.N. Tagore poem lines.
-- Please review and award marks - [ this essay is written in total of 1 Hour ]
Went through your essay.
Good about the essay:-
You have managed to cover all major points, covered internal security , external security, good intro and good conclusion. This should help score well. Keyword intensity is high - which is a good think.
It is not an opinion like a column in a newspaper - which is prone to fluctuations in marks, and people vary between 50-150 marks - something that you wouldn't risk.
What will need to be improved:-
- Evolution of foreign policy has taken almost 25%-33% . Quite elaborate and coming to the topic has taken a bit longer. Thankfully you have linked the evolution also to the topic.
You will have to wind up within 15% or less before you introduce the topic directly.
- You do not have to cover anything in detail, just mentioning it will suffice, ensuring that nothing has been skipped. You have done that well. In fact never get into the detail of anything. Especially in a the current multiple essay format.
- Do not think any further tips can be given.
- You will need to write across 3-5 topics including the ones which may not be in your comfort area. That should be enough for your essay prep. Also, one day write as per UPSC pattern and timing within 3 hours.
I recommend having a structure because it helps you not lose track. It is very very common for people to get emotional in the exam and write on only one dimension and expend all words on it, and by the time they realize it they don't have time or word left.
Hence having a structure helps that you end up writing a balanced essay, which should help secure around 50%. Anything below 125 in current scenario will not be helpful.
Last year one of my friend whose english is very good got only 95 marks , he was always aiming for more than 125 marks . whereas i always aimed for less, 110 to 115 was okay for me. But i got 133 marks in essay, even i was shocked. Some how able to clear the cutoff , got very good marks in interview and got a rank in lower services,
so Zyada aim mat karo, Try to be optimum in every subject , yeh mat socho ki essay ya ethics me150 marks aa jaye, aisa nahi hota . Higher aim ke chakkar me admi risk leta hai, woh kai bar counter productive ho jati hai, bahut bar. Balance is the key in this exam.
@Neyawn sorry brother! But i don't agree with your review and the way you are thinking . May be i am wrong , may be i am right. No one can decide this who is right who is wrong , only upsc can.
Following a structure and writing a balanced answer covering all dimensions isn't something that can elicit much disagreement though.
Secondly, not getting 125 is equally not going to help, esp for GEN category students! You don't have ranks beyond 600 in GEN category, so one has to somehow get at least around 125 to be in there ! This isn't very ambitious. Aiming at 140-150 would be ambitious, something which you cannot target.
Essay Topic: “I object to violence because, when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent.” (1500 Words)
First world war gave us Nazism. Nazism gave us second world war. What is common to the three?
Of all the creations of God,there exists a special place for humans. They love fiercely and fight fiercely.They are both creator and destroyer in themselves.Many civilizations came before and later perished.Throughout this history there has been one constant factor accompanying humanity: violence.These events raise some serious questions.
Is violence a natural state of mind?
Why do people resort to violence in first place?
What good it does?
Why don't they learn from the past?
Violence fosters culture of alienation.It destroys moral conscience and corrupts the ability to evaluate choices.It segregates emotions from rationality and gets pleasure from pain of others.It creates destruction and destroys the bonds that hold humans together.Thus,Violence is in direct conflict with the basic values of humanity. This proves that violence is not a natural state of mind.
In an ideal world love and happiness should prevail.From Buddha to Mahavira,from Gandhi to Mandela;this world has seen great souls leading the way in fight against violence.But this only remains symbolic.Humans are greedy,egoistic and selfish.This changes all the dynamics.
Why people resort to violence and what good it does?
Science of violence stems from Darwin's concept of evolution.To ensure the natural existence of different species,competition takes place. Violence is a natural outcome of this competition.It helps the dominating species to stay alive and in this process weaker ones are wiped out.This is mainly true for animals,but its manifestation in humans are not hard to find.Hitler justified Jews mass genocide on the basis of theory of racial purity.This was the worst form of violence the world had ever seen.But it did not stop there. World has seen Rwandan genocide,Serbian genocide,India-Pakistan partition genocide,Bangladesh genocide since then.Many others go unnoticed.Competitive interests,religious faith,community attachment and above-all distorted minds are major reasons behind such massacre.
What good violence does?
Violence acts as a relief valve.It satiates temporary dissatisfaction and fulfills the desire of domination.Many justify violence on these lines. USA dropped two nuclear bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki and justified it on the basis that if the bombs had not been dropped,second world war would have continued for an extended time. Lets see what good this bombing did.
It ended second world war?Yes,but not because of the bomb itself,the war had virtually ended before it.
Then would it be justified if the nuclear bombs were used in 1942 and not in 1945?The rational human answer considering the preceding arguments(of pre-mature ending of war) would be yes.
But the natural justice and theory of rights of individuals would discredit any such claim.
So any action of violence does injustice at two fronts:
1.It disrespects natural rights.
2. It disrespects the outcome of the action.
The second part of above theory acts as a self-feeding mechanism and creates further space and opportunities for violence. One can argue that violence of First world led to Nazism. Violence of Nazism led to Second world war. Second world war led to destruction of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.Against these the numbers of people died in such wars are beyond imagination. No logic can justify such gross violation of human rights.
Seen in Indian context,Colonial policies created atmosphere for British to perpetrate violence of all types:mental,physical and spiritual. Not withstanding with the enemy policies,Gandhiji stayed true to his practice of non-violence.All the three major movements he led,from Non cooperation movement to civil disobedience movement to quit India movement,he showed a remarkable consistency in staying true to principles of Non-violence.On the eve of August revolution,he said the following words:"Do and Die". But he said these words also "I object to violence because, when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent."Connecting these two gives us the idea about this consistency.This consistency is what makes Gandhiji a global figure.No doubt,it took time and Gandhiji had to face criticisms also but India got the freedom and world recognized the power of non-violence. Martin Luther King in his "I have a dream" shows the similar idea of resilience and resistance that Gandhiji practiced against British government.Mandela challenged apartheid regime and spend good twenty seven years of his life in prisons.But the resilience worked.Not only it ended up apartheid regime,but also resulted in political participation of oppressed Black people.Mandela was chosen the president and world accepted again the power of non-violence.On his death,leaders flew all over the world to attend his funeral. What made these people so big? It is the resistance,the resistance of non-violence they practiced and preached which made them venerable.
The resiliency of non-violence has miraculous powers.It is non-defeating in nature and creates long-lasting impact. Great and evil hearts can equally be won through it.It gives peace and tranquility of mind,but above all it makes a human, human.It is this humane character that makes non-violence different from all other virtues.
Now,we come to an important question.When the world has seen power of non-violence and has equally been witness to destruction caused by violence and when almost everyone preaches the ideals of non-violence in schools,college and various conferences,why do we resort to violence time and again?
At this point distinction can be made of two types of violence:
1. Community level
2. Individual level
The holocaust was a community level violence,so are wars and other genocides. Ashoka,the magadha ruler before he adopted Buddhism will fit under this category. Colonialism and imperialism were the diffused-continuous face of community violence that took place on a daily basis.
Individual level is the biggest contributor to culture of violence.The acts related to violation of routine law and order,murder,rape,vengeance etc can be put under it.People belonging here have great propensity to join the community level violence whenever their is an opportunity. This especially gets naked during communal clash and riots.Godhara and Muzzafarnagar riots were testament of this inherent violence that still perverse the minds of many.
This microcosm of violence works at a very mini-level.If left unaltered it will grow in size and any dissatisfaction will further increase it.We can co-relate with a "need hierarchy theory" given by a well known psychologist Abraham Maslow. Malsow' s theory recognizes different level of needs almost arranged in a hierarchical order,that means until the lower level needs are not satisfied,people won't care about the upper level needs.So a hungry person would like to have food first and anything else latter.A terrorist is also a human being before he is turned a terrorist.Certain frustrations are inbuilt in to their mind,some of which might be state perpetrated and some might be falsely fabricated by their leaders.When these needs are not filled,all other needs don't matter to them.Patriotism and human spirit are useless terms for such people.These interplay of need-dissatisfaction is used to fuel violent behavior.The Maoist problem of India gets its elementary form of disapproval of state machinery on similar lines. To work against these problems will require understanding of realities and adoption of corrective measures.Else,the culture of violence will continue till we see the end of humanity.
Your essay writing is good , you will easily get more than 110 in this essay.
Having thrice written mains and always got good marks , the reason was truth, honesty and able to express your self.
Don't try to fool the examiner with structure and all that stuff. This will make the essay like some newspaper editorial , checkers are not checking words of essay, they are checking you. Don't pretend to be artificial.
Originality is the key to get good marks . I read your essay line by line , its really good........
Thanks for the review and Marks given. I have also given mains in 2013 and 2014, and my marks in these two attempts were 130 and 135 respectively, but in these two attempts my medium was Hindi.
For 2015 , I have changed my medium to English, hence a bit worried with my essay marks this year. Thank you.
@Neyawn Please review my essay, give me feedback and award marks. [ sorry for the not so good quality of images ]
I will go through it as soon as I have some time, but can you answer a basic question first:-
Your topic is:-
India's foreign relations and its effect on her peace and security.
What is the structure that you have followed? What questions or dimensions have you tried to address?
Like give me the breakup like:-
-Introduction -Brief History or evolution of foreign relations - Defining peace and security - Internal & External security - Immediate neighbors relations - Relations with developed nations - Regional associations and peace and security - Challenges - Addressing concerns - ways and means - Way ahead/ conclusion
( The above is a bit random , just give me a wireframe of your essay and we can begin @master4341 )
my basic structure is: 1. Visionary Introduction 2. Evolution in India's foreign relations in Ancient, Medieval , Modern, Post Independence and Post Cold War era. 3. Major focus is of Current context in later half part of essay. 4. Covered neighbors and well as nations far apart. 5. Challenges and tackling measures are also dealt but not in detail manners - time constraint - wrote this essay in total of 1 hours. 6. Ending essay with R.N. Tagore poem lines.
-- Please review and award marks - [ this essay is written in total of 1 Hour ]
Went through your essay.
Good about the essay:-
You have managed to cover all major points, covered internal security , external security, good intro and good conclusion. This should help score well. Keyword intensity is high - which is a good think.
It is not an opinion like a column in a newspaper - which is prone to fluctuations in marks, and people vary between 50-150 marks - something that you wouldn't risk.
What will need to be improved:-
- Evolution of foreign policy has taken almost 25%-33% . Quite elaborate and coming to the topic has taken a bit longer. Thankfully you have linked the evolution also to the topic.
You will have to wind up within 15% or less before you introduce the topic directly.
- You do not have to cover anything in detail, just mentioning it will suffice, ensuring that nothing has been skipped. You have done that well. In fact never get into the detail of anything. Especially in a the current multiple essay format.
- Do not think any further tips can be given.
- You will need to write across 3-5 topics including the ones which may not be in your comfort area. That should be enough for your essay prep. Also, one day write as per UPSC pattern and timing within 3 hours.
I recommend having a structure because it helps you not lose track. It is very very common for people to get emotional in the exam and write on only one dimension and expend all words on it, and by the time they realize it they don't have time or word left.
Hence having a structure helps that you end up writing a balanced essay, which should help secure around 50%. Anything below 125 in current scenario will not be helpful.
Thanks @Neyawn for your review, But please give me marks also, so I will get an idea, where I stand. My marks in cse 13 and 14 were 130 and 135 respectively , with hindi as a medium.
this year my medium is english. I will surely follow your advice for a 'structured' essay. I will also write on some uncomfortable topics and full 3 hour format and show it to you. Thank you
@Neyawn Please review my essay, give me feedback and award marks. [ sorry for the not so good quality of images ]
I will go through it as soon as I have some time, but can you answer a basic question first:-
Your topic is:-
India's foreign relations and its effect on her peace and security.
What is the structure that you have followed? What questions or dimensions have you tried to address?
Like give me the breakup like:-
-Introduction -Brief History or evolution of foreign relations - Defining peace and security - Internal & External security - Immediate neighbors relations - Relations with developed nations - Regional associations and peace and security - Challenges - Addressing concerns - ways and means - Way ahead/ conclusion
( The above is a bit random , just give me a wireframe of your essay and we can begin @master4341 )
my basic structure is: 1. Visionary Introduction 2. Evolution in India's foreign relations in Ancient, Medieval , Modern, Post Independence and Post Cold War era. 3. Major focus is of Current context in later half part of essay. 4. Covered neighbors and well as nations far apart. 5. Challenges and tackling measures are also dealt but not in detail manners - time constraint - wrote this essay in total of 1 hours. 6. Ending essay with R.N. Tagore poem lines.
-- Please review and award marks - [ this essay is written in total of 1 Hour ]
Went through your essay.
Good about the essay:-
You have managed to cover all major points, covered internal security , external security, good intro and good conclusion. This should help score well. Keyword intensity is high - which is a good think.
It is not an opinion like a column in a newspaper - which is prone to fluctuations in marks, and people vary between 50-150 marks - something that you wouldn't risk.
What will need to be improved:-
- Evolution of foreign policy has taken almost 25%-33% . Quite elaborate and coming to the topic has taken a bit longer. Thankfully you have linked the evolution also to the topic.
You will have to wind up within 15% or less before you introduce the topic directly.
- You do not have to cover anything in detail, just mentioning it will suffice, ensuring that nothing has been skipped. You have done that well. In fact never get into the detail of anything. Especially in a the current multiple essay format.
- Do not think any further tips can be given.
- You will need to write across 3-5 topics including the ones which may not be in your comfort area. That should be enough for your essay prep. Also, one day write as per UPSC pattern and timing within 3 hours.
I recommend having a structure because it helps you not lose track. It is very very common for people to get emotional in the exam and write on only one dimension and expend all words on it, and by the time they realize it they don't have time or word left.
Hence having a structure helps that you end up writing a balanced essay, which should help secure around 50%. Anything below 125 in current scenario will not be helpful.
Thanks @Neyawn for your review, But please give me marks also, so I will get an idea, where I stand. My marks in cse 13 and 14 were 130 and 135 respectively , with hindi as a medium.
this year my medium is english. I will surely follow your advice for a 'structured' essay. I will also write on some uncomfortable topics and full 3 hour format and show it to you. Thank you
Your essay is naturally quite structured. Doesn't look like you need any extra efforts to make it one. The challenge for most people is that when they write in a flow, they go off topic. And those who try to assort points via a structure end of writing discordant essay , with no linkages between passages.
I wouldn't give marks, but yes that should get 125+ on a like topic IMO - you haven't missed a thing.
Don't show it to me per se, just writing 3-5 essays in itself solves half the problems. Besides, this is a peer review.
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Comments
Went through your essay.
Good about the essay:-
You have managed to cover all major points, covered internal security , external security, good intro and good conclusion. This should help score well. Keyword intensity is high - which is a good think.
It is not an opinion like a column in a newspaper - which is prone to fluctuations in marks, and people vary between 50-150 marks - something that you wouldn't risk.
What will need to be improved:-
- Evolution of foreign policy has taken almost 25%-33% . Quite elaborate and coming to the topic has taken a bit longer. Thankfully you have linked the evolution also to the topic.
You will have to wind up within 15% or less before you introduce the topic directly.
- You do not have to cover anything in detail, just mentioning it will suffice, ensuring that nothing has been skipped. You have done that well. In fact never get into the detail of anything. Especially in a the current multiple essay format.
- Do not think any further tips can be given.
- You will need to write across 3-5 topics including the ones which may not be in your comfort area. That should be enough for your essay prep. Also, one day write as per UPSC pattern and timing within 3 hours.
I recommend having a structure because it helps you not lose track. It is very very common for people to get emotional in the exam and write on only one dimension and expend all words on it, and by the time they realize it they don't have time or word left.
Hence having a structure helps that you end up writing a balanced essay, which should help secure around 50%. Anything below 125 in current scenario will not be helpful.
But i got 133 marks in essay, even i was shocked. Some how able to clear the cutoff , got very good marks in interview and got a rank in lower services,
so Zyada aim mat karo, Try to be optimum in every subject , yeh mat socho ki essay ya ethics me150 marks aa jaye, aisa nahi hota .
Higher aim ke chakkar me admi risk leta hai, woh kai bar counter productive ho jati hai, bahut bar.
Balance is the key in this exam.
@Neyawn sorry brother! But i don't agree with your review and the way you are thinking . May be i am wrong , may be i am right. No one can decide this who is right who is wrong , only upsc can.
You don't have to agree.
Following a structure and writing a balanced answer covering all dimensions isn't something that can elicit much disagreement though.
Secondly, not getting 125 is equally not going to help, esp for GEN category students! You don't have ranks beyond 600 in GEN category, so one has to somehow get at least around 125 to be in there ! This isn't very ambitious. Aiming at 140-150 would be ambitious, something which you cannot target.
Essay Topic: “I object to violence because, when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent.” (1500 Words)
First world war gave us Nazism. Nazism gave us second world war. What is common to the three?
Of all the creations of God,there exists a special place for humans. They love fiercely and fight fiercely.They are both creator and destroyer in themselves.Many civilizations came before and later perished.Throughout this history there has been one constant factor accompanying humanity: violence.These events raise some serious questions.
Is violence a natural state of mind?
Why do people resort to violence in first place?
What good it does?
Why don't they learn from the past?
Violence fosters culture of alienation.It destroys moral conscience and corrupts the ability to evaluate choices.It segregates emotions from rationality and gets pleasure from pain of others.It creates destruction and destroys the bonds that hold humans together.Thus,Violence is in direct conflict with the basic values of humanity. This proves that violence is not a natural state of mind.
In an ideal world love and happiness should prevail.From Buddha to Mahavira,from Gandhi to Mandela;this world has seen great souls leading the way in fight against violence.But this only remains symbolic.Humans are greedy,egoistic and selfish.This changes all the dynamics.
Why people resort to violence and what good it does?
Science of violence stems from Darwin's concept of evolution.To ensure the natural existence of different species,competition takes place. Violence is a natural outcome of this competition.It helps the dominating species to stay alive and in this process weaker ones are wiped out.This is mainly true for animals,but its manifestation in humans are not hard to find.Hitler justified Jews mass genocide on the basis of theory of racial purity.This was the worst form of violence the world had ever seen.But it did not stop there. World has seen Rwandan genocide,Serbian genocide,India-Pakistan partition genocide,Bangladesh genocide since then.Many others go unnoticed.Competitive interests,religious faith,community attachment and above-all distorted minds are major reasons behind such massacre.
What good violence does?
Violence acts as a relief valve.It satiates temporary dissatisfaction and fulfills the desire of domination.Many justify violence on these lines. USA dropped two nuclear bombs on Hiroshima and Nagasaki and justified it on the basis that if the bombs had not been dropped,second world war would have continued for an extended time. Lets see what good this bombing did.
It ended second world war?Yes,but not because of the bomb itself,the war had virtually ended before it.
Then would it be justified if the nuclear bombs were used in 1942 and not in 1945?The rational human answer considering the preceding arguments(of pre-mature ending of war) would be yes.
But the natural justice and theory of rights of individuals would discredit any such claim.
So any action of violence does injustice at two fronts:
1.It disrespects natural rights.
2. It disrespects the outcome of the action.
The second part of above theory acts as a self-feeding mechanism and creates further space and opportunities for violence. One can argue that violence of First world led to Nazism. Violence of Nazism led to Second world war. Second world war led to destruction of Hiroshima and Nagasaki.Against these the numbers of people died in such wars are beyond imagination. No logic can justify such gross violation of human rights.
Seen in Indian context,Colonial policies created atmosphere for British to perpetrate violence of all types:mental,physical and spiritual. Not withstanding with the enemy policies,Gandhiji stayed true to his practice of non-violence.All the three major movements he led,from Non cooperation movement to civil disobedience movement to quit India movement,he showed a remarkable consistency in staying true to principles of Non-violence.On the eve of August revolution,he said the following words:"Do and Die". But he said these words also "I object to violence because, when it appears to do good, the good is only temporary; the evil it does is permanent."Connecting these two gives us the idea about this consistency.This consistency is what makes Gandhiji a global figure.No doubt,it took time and Gandhiji had to face criticisms also but India got the freedom and world recognized the power of non-violence. Martin Luther King in his "I have a dream" shows the similar idea of resilience and resistance that Gandhiji practiced against British government.Mandela challenged apartheid regime and spend good twenty seven years of his life in prisons.But the resilience worked.Not only it ended up apartheid regime,but also resulted in political participation of oppressed Black people.Mandela was chosen the president and world accepted again the power of non-violence.On his death,leaders flew all over the world to attend his funeral. What made these people so big? It is the resistance,the resistance of non-violence they practiced and preached which made them venerable.
The resiliency of non-violence has miraculous powers.It is non-defeating in nature and creates long-lasting impact. Great and evil hearts can equally be won through it.It gives peace and tranquility of mind,but above all it makes a human, human.It is this humane character that makes non-violence different from all other virtues.
Now,we come to an important question.When the world has seen power of non-violence and has equally been witness to destruction caused by violence and when almost everyone preaches the ideals of non-violence in schools,college and various conferences,why do we resort to violence time and again?
At this point distinction can be made of two types of violence:
1. Community level
2. Individual level
The holocaust was a community level violence,so are wars and other genocides. Ashoka,the magadha ruler before he adopted Buddhism will fit under this category. Colonialism and imperialism were the diffused-continuous face of community violence that took place on a daily basis.
Individual level is the biggest contributor to culture of violence.The acts related to violation of routine law and order,murder,rape,vengeance etc can be put under it.People belonging here have great propensity to join the community level violence whenever their is an opportunity. This especially gets naked during communal clash and riots.Godhara and Muzzafarnagar riots were testament of this inherent violence that still perverse the minds of many.
This microcosm of violence works at a very mini-level.If left unaltered it will grow in size and any dissatisfaction will further increase it.We can co-relate with a "need hierarchy theory" given by a well known psychologist Abraham Maslow. Malsow' s theory recognizes different level of needs almost arranged in a hierarchical order,that means until the lower level needs are not satisfied,people won't care about the upper level needs.So a hungry person would like to have food first and anything else latter.A terrorist is also a human being before he is turned a terrorist.Certain frustrations are inbuilt in to their mind,some of which might be state perpetrated and some might be falsely fabricated by their leaders.When these needs are not filled,all other needs don't matter to them.Patriotism and human spirit are useless terms for such people.These interplay of need-dissatisfaction is used to fuel violent behavior.The Maoist problem of India gets its elementary form of disapproval of state machinery on similar lines. To work against these problems will require understanding of realities and adoption of corrective measures.Else,the culture of violence will continue till we see the end of humanity.
( 1261 words )
Thanks for the review and Marks given.
I have also given mains in 2013 and 2014, and my marks in these two attempts were 130 and 135 respectively, but in these two attempts my medium was Hindi.
For 2015 , I have changed my medium to English, hence a bit worried with my essay marks this year.
Thank you.
But please give me marks also, so I will get an idea, where I stand.
My marks in cse 13 and 14 were 130 and 135 respectively , with hindi as a medium.
this year my medium is english.
I will surely follow your advice for a 'structured' essay.
I will also write on some uncomfortable topics and full 3 hour format and show it to you.
Thank you
I wouldn't give marks, but yes that should get 125+ on a like topic IMO - you haven't missed a thing.
Don't show it to me per se, just writing 3-5 essays in itself solves half the problems. Besides, this is a peer review.