I have been into this journey for the last 4 years. I was very much enthusiatic in the start but zeal is missing now.
It is not just the zeal but irratic nature, sometimes fruatration , sometimes feelings of hollowness. Constant over thinking, spending too much time on phone doing nothing. Not feeling like talking to people, not being happy to feel happy.
I don’t like comparing myself to others but trust me i am good in studies. I have always set high expectations from myself and constant overthinking is killing me.
I really dont feel like talking to anyone as i dont think anyone cam really understand me but still feel like talking to someone. Someone who can just say its okay or can direct me. On top of it i don’t like being directed or told that i should do think or that.
What to do. I know i should get up early and go for running . I do get up early but running. Even if i really try , i quit after 1-2 days.
Its not just running its about everythig. Taking up the timetable then, not following it. Taking up a test series then not following it.
There is a huge lack of discipline and feelings of lowlessness. What more could i have done with my life etc.
About the exam. Earlier i used to have these visuals as if i were selected, or if i get to become a civil servant etc. now doubts are there.. will that be a reality ever? I know with present state of affairs its a no. Its like a trap. Once you face the intervoew you are bound to live and die in this. There is that reluctance to not to give up on upsc. I dont see myself saying bs ho gya i can not do this. That is like going against me- how can you give up.but what is the use of it when you know it well that you are not giving it your full.
What to do..
And i feel sad almost all the time. That has become a timepass. Be alone, think, be sad.. cry do everything but study. I am like passing each day, then month. There is no excitement or activity.