I have missed CAPF by 1 and 3 marks previously, got conferenced out in AFCAT ssb, failed twice in upsc pre and once in mains and in multiple other exams. Gave all the exams preparing sincerely as much as I can.
All these have shaken me to core.
27.5 now, have a nearly 3 year gap since I completed my graduation.
I have lost confidence in myself that I can ever clear any exam which require someone to be in top 500 atleast and that I don't have the potential to clear one even if it's easy. This belief (or as i know a misbelief) have set a root to deepest in myself which I am unable to get rid of.
I have upcoming 1 or 2 exams in 2-3 months (not upsc) but I am unable to study to my full even if I keep trying full day. I remain restless and in palpitation all the time even in half of my sleep and as I write this down, a tear fall down my eyes.
A voice keep coming from inside me while I study that maybe I should stop wasting my time as I can't make it and start working to support my family financially rather than every time raising hopes of my parents before every exam and then shattering them.
I don't regret upsc prep as I always wanted to learn so many of things which not even any higher degree would have allowed me to in such a short span and only wanted it to use it for the country.
So, is there any way to regain a sense of belief because as to what I feel, there is no point keep trying if I can't feel even to a bit that I can make it or should I leave the exams for final ?
Any advise is welcome but please don't sympathize as I don't feel sympathy can help me in any way in long term.
We are all the same inside.........
We just forget to see the reflection of someone else inside us........