ok now i am 30 and story might be similar to others .. gave mains sometime(numbers dont matter) and missed someby whisker (numbers dont matter again)..i am in job like govt one and it seems OK (no creature comfort ,rutba and other&)
-about syllabus done with static part and doin the current part
the thing bothering me is my age .. i am 30 .. unmarried .. and kids around call me uncle (yes it might sound amateurish but its to handle when all frinds young cousin got married.. and the fact that i already hold govt job doesnt allows me to make bahana
at this time even my decision-making-commitee is divided into two parts --
1.part one the old one says --go ahead you will clear prelim-main-interview-LBS and all then this and then that........
2.part two says -- u got old .. wasted your youth on upsc .. what u will get ? these jobs are too hefty .. they are like 24x7 job with no leave and weekend .. and nothing in return u will get (for the matter of fact being from a good institute of technology just increase all pain when u see all other enjoying foreign trips and vacation with there loved one).. upsc prep just gave u hairfall .. old age and nothing .. u will one day just forgot all knowledge u gain here with no applicaiton and the loss of youth will be there
and yes there is a ego part of me ... which is much like hitler and trump putin .. like that leonardo dicaprio in django unchained (using all those example else govt of india will book me hate speech).. which think itself superior to other
i didnt meant any offence and please understand that its very dificult to change people beleief .. however decision making need wisdom which clearly i am laking
i have spend 30 years of my life till now just studying .. nothing else and now i thinking i miss life .. is life only means books and study . coz i have only exp them till now
sometime feeling of suicide grip in .. (too strange when i study indian history ).. some religious study bring me to think as if this life is just a diluted hell tailormade for me .. we are aleready dead and this our helll
and why i am writing this here coz only people who have exp pain cud understand other people .. .family/office everyone elese i am fool ... to me it just doesnt matter .. i stopped living for them long ago .. but now i have begin to question my own decision ... and news bring me depression .. i hate failure .. i never failed in anything else in life .. got what i wanted completelty or partialy .. except this UPSC thing.. when i started this journey i was energetic and now i feel lethargic ... the feeling of going to some old village with local mla goon or exp the colorfull(colors colours there are colors i hate some, i like some ) diversity of our country now dont intrest me .. and as a rule of thumb in my life i always considered myself best my decision best while others below me (proved this theory several time due to this thinking also ).. and sometime i think every oldie look like a foolhardy to me including me ...
i respect logic even if its from enemy... like some monk calming a worrior .. i know there are monk in this forum ... plz provide a guide to life