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Kindly evaluate my essay!!

Dear friends below given is an essay written in exam condition .pls review.
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How has satellite Television brought about cultural change in the Indian Mindset.docx
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Comments

  • edited January 23
    Ramaswamy said:

    Dear friends below given is an essay written in exam condition .pls review.

    Flow was good.
    Writing style isgood..can a bit more formal(totally personal choice)...
    Tried to Introduce essay innovatively but it could have been a bit better.
    though covered both sides but impression was that of a little negative effect..
    didnot use facts..
    could have elaborated more..
    keep writing.
    Qawalli Lover. Die hard fan of NFAK..
    "Aag ka dariya h, doob ke jana hai."
    ·
  • didn't read the whole essay, just the first 2 paras. first things that came to my mind were:
    1. why did u say u have a 8 year old son? either it means u r lying to make the essay interesting, or u got married at a very young age and immediately had a child (doesn't create a good impression for a prospective civil servant), or u are a pretty old aspirant (again doesn't create a good impression).
    2. why are u passively sitting n allowing ur 8 year old son to watch "obscene content" on tv? a 8 yr old child is ur responsibility, the value he learns will be a direct reflection of ur parenting style. u r passively allowing ur 8 yr old child to watch obscene content, and then blaming dish tv for the loss in values. such content are not meant for young children, and it is ur responsibility to make sure ur child does not watch content not suitable for him.
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  • didn't read the whole essay, just the first 2 paras. first things that came to my mind were:
    1. why did u say u have a 8 year old son? either it means u r lying to make the essay interesting, or u got married at a very young age and immediately had a child (doesn't create a good impression for a prospective civil servant), or u are a pretty old aspirant (again doesn't create a good impression).
    2. why are u passively sitting n allowing ur 8 year old son to watch "obscene content" on tv? a 8 yr old child is ur responsibility, the value he learns will be a direct reflection of ur parenting style. u r passively allowing ur 8 yr old child to watch obscene content, and then blaming dish tv for the loss in values. such content are not meant for young children, and it is ur responsibility to make sure ur child does not watch content not suitable for him.

    Are you from drishti ias??yaar this is an essay..an innovative introduction has been tried..and you read only 2 paras..why ??
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  • Ramaswamy said:


    Are you from drishti ias??yaar this is an essay..an innovative introduction has been tried..and you read only 2 paras..why ??

    are u an idiot? don't put up essays for review if u don't want honest feedback. i read only 2 paras because i need to study as well. i read it while i was taking a 10 mins break.
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  • Ramaswamy said:


    Are you from drishti ias??yaar this is an essay..an innovative introduction has been tried..and you read only 2 paras..why ??

    are u an idiot? don't put up essays for review if u don't want honest feedback. i read only 2 paras because i need to study as well. i read it while i was taking a 10 mins break.
    Maaf karo bhai..n yup i m not an idiot but you definitely are.Who else will take a 10 mins break n read 2 paras of essay and then waste 10 mins giving both feedback n reply to my comment.UTHA LE BHAGWAAN!!

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  • seed_15 said:

    Ramaswamy said:

    Dear friends below given is an essay written in exam condition .pls review.

    Flow was good.
    Writing style isgood..can a bit more formal(totally personal choice)...
    Tried to Introduce essay innovatively but it could have been a bit better.
    though covered both sides but impression was that of a little negative effect..
    didnot use facts..
    could have elaborated more..
    keep writing.
    Very honest feedback dear!!Thanks a lot!

    ·
  • Thank the guy who gave the feedback , no1 ows it to you , and you call hin idiot , thats tooo disrespectful
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  • Thank the guy who gave the feedback , no1 ows it to you , and you call hin idiot , thats tooo disrespectful

    Sorry !! THANK YOU @saurabh5799 .i really mean it.keep giving feedback.

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  • Sorry to say but you may get single digit mark in this essay. (And also chance of getting single digit mark in 2nd one due to bad impression on examiner)
    Your ideology is openly screaming in this essay.
    Follow centrist approach .... read some good books before writing essays on such a complex topic .... Indian culture is not only Ramayana and Mahabharat .... khajuraho is also part of Indian culture.

    Do not go unnecessary into controversial issues like Babri and Ayodhya .... i quote from Norway Civil services Commission report
    " have command on words because tongue is sharper than sword"

    Good luck !!!
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  • Nirvirodh said:

    Sorry to say but you may get single digit mark in this essay. (And also chance of getting single digit mark in 2nd one due to bad impression on examiner)
    Your ideology is openly screaming in this essay.
    Follow centrist approach .... read some good books before writing essays on such a complex topic .... Indian culture is not only Ramayana and Mahabharat .... khajuraho is also part of Indian culture.

    Do not go unnecessary into controversial issues like Babri and Ayodhya .... i quote from Norway Civil services Commission report
    " have command on words because tongue is sharper than sword"

    Good luck !!!

    Thank you for such a great advice.But scores in essay has been 102 n 107 out of 200 in 2011n 2012 Then 128 n 132 out of 250 2014 n 2015.
    I have tried to be balanced and i know that Ramayana is not the end of our culture.By the way tjis is one essay not two.But still thank you for sharing your wisdom.
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  • edited January 23
    In my opinion (i may be wrong)

    1. Introduction you could have written hypothetical story in a different way instead of using "my son"
    2. When you start it "appears" you take pride in your culture but you are also rigid against change
    3. Rural to Urban Migration & Slum proliferation has very less to do with Dish TV

    I feel you have not covered multiple dimensions. I can't think of many at the moment, some i could suggest

    4. You could have explored further areas (Political Change and its influence) like with greater access to information leading to Culture of Rational Thinking, Questioning.
    5. Social Changes which has affected our Culture, blurring of caste lines, giving rise to Class based divisions, Our superstitious beliefs
    6. Economic Changes (live stock market for example) effect on our culture, proliferation of sports betting (may be?)

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  • Isko dekhiye frrsback will b helpful in next mains
    Thanks
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  • McBride said:

    In my opinion (i may be wrong)

    1. Introduction you could have written hypothetical story in a different way instead of using "my son"
    2. When you start it "appears" you take pride in your culture but you are also rigid against change
    3. Rural to Urban Migration & Slum proliferation has very less to do with Dish TV

    I feel you have not covered multiple dimensions. I can't think of many at the moment, some i could suggest

    4. You could have explored further areas (Political Change and its influence) like with greater access to information leading to Culture of Rational Thinking, Questioning.
    5. Social Changes which has affected our Culture, blurring of caste lines, giving rise to Class based divisions, Our superstitious beliefs
    6. Economic Changes (live stock market for example) effect on our culture, proliferation of sports betting (may be?)

    Thank you.

    ·
  • edited January 23
    Try to add more positive points in your essay. Please don't add many pessimistic points to it. As a civil servant you are expected to make things better, even the circumstances and the resources in your hand are not supportive.

    For example, we are living in a multi-cultural nation. The era of satellite TV have seen the spurring of programs that have multi dimensional value. Now, the south people can understand the culture of north and vice versa. Always start and end an essay with positive look.

    The best points you can cover here is
    - How satellite tv era is different from previous era? What were the constraints of the latter? How satellite TV filled those gaps?

    - How it had an impact on our culture? Here you have to make it clear that whether it have an impact or not. If yes whether it is good or bad for the culture and society. Why the previous technology couldn't make such an impact.

    - Then. its impact on our mindset. Try to add more positive points here.

    - Then, write the adverse impacts WITH suggestions to solve them. As a civil servant, you are expected to deliver solutions.

    - Lastly, if you want you can touch on what will be the next stage in the process. IS there any latest tech coming in? How it is going to be MORE beneficial.

    - Then write the conclusion with a >90% positiveness.

    The examples you have mentioned are not good too. For example, 'It is quite apparent that youngsters are no more bothered about whether there will be Babri Masjid or Mandir, at the disputed site. They have embraced the easy way of living, thanks to exposure to world’s different culture.' -------------------->>>>> Are you saying an irresponsible younger generation is good for the country?

    Culture is a very broad term. Try to touch its each and every parts.

    This is my personal view.

    (But man, don't you watch LSTV, RSTV, DD kisan and all?)
    "There should be no boundaries to human endeavor. We are all different. However bad life may seem, there is always something you can do, and succeed at. While there's life, there is hope" - Stephen Hawking
    ·
  • mahapatro said:

    Isko dekhiye frrsback will b helpful in next mains
    Thanks

    Bhai aapka india ka map bahut aacha laga. :#
    Man is sometimes extraordinarily, passionately, in love with suffering.
    ·
  • @ ramaswamy .... Your language used in easy is good , flow looks good , but problem is that your essay is bit narrow my friend ... For example you have not covered many dimensions ... And also cultural mindset you have stuck only to western culture ... For example you could have written that through dish tv Indians are today better able to understand diverse indian culture such as discovery channel shows many north eastern culture ... Jallikattu covered by many channels exposed tamil culture to the north ... Things like this u should have written ... One more thing my friend .. Consistently in your essay you have used wearing of short dresses as negative impact .. It might reflect you in negative light as person who is not open to changes ... Short dress worn by today's youth is not a crime ... You could have written due to dish tv foriegn clothing patterns such as jeans and t shirts have made a foray into indian villages hence indians local dressing culture which was a unique feature of indian society is moving towards homogenization .... And your obscene content shown by dish is good ... Also write on political culture impact , also write how pop and rap music is overtaking the classical music and dance ... Also write on how dish tv has enhanced indian minset bias towards fairness ex- fair n lovely advertisement , cover sporting culture influence example - football gaining popularity in country whose sporting culture is dominated by cricket... I do agree with your point of how dish tv is leading to urbanisation ... But you write how ... Otherwise its just you writing a bland statements ...this id what i think about your essay ... Let your mind be open to winds blowing from across the world but don't be blown away by it ... All the best
    ·
  • Thanks a lot@mcbride @"Machiavelli the prince" prince and @SteveOdinson
    ·
  • mahapatro said:

    Isko dekhiye frrsback will b helpful in next mains
    Thanks

    Bhai aapka india ka map bahut aacha laga. :#
    Lol
    Essay pein comment karo bhai
    ·
  • mahapatro said:
    I donno how many of those who made highly negative and frustrating comments primarily aimed to show supremacy or might be to demoralise ,but never mind!!
    For those who took time to give both positive and negatives ,thanks a lot!
    I have kept all constructive points in my mind.Will try to improve upon them.
    ·
  • @ rangaswamy dont mind what others say.... Perspectives always vary . . just take the positives and leave the negatives ... Your motive is your improvement and not what others think about you :-) ..
    ·
  • @Ramaswamy take the negative comments in a positive way. It will goad you to push beyond your limits, making you (or anyone else in that sense) better, more efficient and stronger each day.

    Don't take a defensive stand. Negatives comments will help you much more than what the positives comments are able to.

    No one is a snot. It is just that some are totally outspoken. Take it this way.
    "There should be no boundaries to human endeavor. We are all different. However bad life may seem, there is always something you can do, and succeed at. While there's life, there is hope" - Stephen Hawking
    ·
  • @Ramaswamy take the negative comments in a positive way. It will goad you to push beyond your limits, making you (or anyone else in that sense) better, more efficient and stronger each day.

    Don't take a defensive stand. Negatives comments will help you much more than what the positives comments are able to.

    No one is a snot. It is just that some are totally outspoken. Take it this way.

    i would rather suggest to look the dictionary defination of review :D
    Qawalli Lover. Die hard fan of NFAK..
    "Aag ka dariya h, doob ke jana hai."
    ·
  • seed_15 said:

    @Ramaswamy take the negative comments in a positive way. It will goad you to push beyond your limits, making you (or anyone else in that sense) better, more efficient and stronger each day.

    Don't take a defensive stand. Negatives comments will help you much more than what the positives comments are able to.

    No one is a snot. It is just that some are totally outspoken. Take it this way.

    i would rather suggest to look the dictionary defination of review :D
    :# :p lol
    "There should be no boundaries to human endeavor. We are all different. However bad life may seem, there is always something you can do, and succeed at. While there's life, there is hope" - Stephen Hawking
    ·
  • @Ramaswamy take the negative comments in a positive way. It will goad you to push beyond your limits, making you (or anyone else in that sense) better, more efficient and stronger each day.

    Don't take a defensive stand. Negatives comments will help you much more than what the positives comments are able to.

    No one is a snot. It is just that some are totally outspoken. Take it this way.

    ^^ Such kind of answers I wish to write in Ethics. Original, concise and to the point.
    ·
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